Monday, August 29, 2016

Why I mentally couldn't finish "Every Last Word".

I probably sound like a broken record, but in case you haven't heard, I have massive anxiety. Certain things trigger it worse than other scenarios. The book "Every Last Word" by Tamara Ireland Stone, unfortunately created a trigger I didn't know I had. Reading the inner thoughts of someone who suffered through anxiety. Reading the truth about how you can live a completely different life to the world and be viewed as someone you're not, while inside you are slowly dying from your never ending racing mind. This is what happened in the beginning of the book. This is what happens to me every single day. This was a reality I wasn't quite ready to accept. 

This book focuses on a high schooler's journey as she struggles with who she is inside and out. She learns - like many of us have before - who she truly is, through self exploration, trials, and tribulations. Unfortunately, her mind is still there with it's anxious thoughts. This hit me too close to home. 

The debilitating truth about anxiety is that it can truly render you helpless. Worst of all, anxiety isn't the end of your suffering. Sometimes, it can lead to a severe panic attack, where you feel as if you are dying. For those who have been lucky enough to not experience this, trust me when I tell you it isn't an over-exaggeration. Trust me, I wish it was. 

This book reminded me of how I suffered through my anxiety and depression all throughout high school. It reminded me that even to this day, I feel I can't truly discuss who I am to anyone who knows me personally. I've shared many things on this blog and I have much more to eventually tell. It's therapeutic to me and being positive helps make me happy. Even though I try my best to be open with all of you, I still hold back when I'm in person. 

I am not always calm and composed. I am not always a happy person. I have many memories of pretending to be someone I wasn't, because I was terrified that everyone would think I was insane if they knew the truth. I've feared for who I'd become if people saw me in the real light that shines upon me. Often I walk around feeling like a silhouette of myself, but I know that everyday I work on it is an accomplishment. 

This book is an amazingly detailed story that I do think would be helpful for people to get a glimpse into what living with anxiety can be like, but I can't speak on how the book is entirely. I haven't finished it. 

After a couple chapters, I started getting anxiety attacks and the worried thoughts just living out the book in my mind. It reminded me of what I go through and it triggered my mind into hitting high gear. It caused me to cry on the living room floor, because the forces of anxiety can be much stronger than I can bare sometimes. The only way for me to get through it is to try and eliminate the trigger and thought at that time, focusing on something positive. Most of the time I play some Frank Sinatra or Christmas music, drink some tea, and take some time to regain my strength. After a while I can move on. 

While I do hope to finish this book someday, I don't think I can mentally handle it at this point. I do appreciate "Every Last Word" though, because it made me realize I had more to work on. I have more to work through. Someday I will get there, I can feel it, and when that day comes I WILL finish this book and I WILL finish this review!

In the meantime, please remember this. Those of us who suffer from anxiety are not over dramatic and this isn't just "all in our heads". We have a disability that can truly render us helpless. We have triggers and we can get through this, but we can't have negativity. Please don't see us as helpless, merely a work in process. 

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