Tuesday, February 7, 2017

I Wanted Tuesday To Just Be Cancelled.

Last night I went to bed with this over whelming amount of depression. It was like a wave of emotions had rushed over me and I felt incredibly alone. I was sitting in my living room around 2am with such disbelief that even though I'm blessed beyond my comprehension, I was utterly depressed.

Depression doesn't have to be understood or reasonable, it just happens and when you suffer from it during random bursts of the month, you kind of give up trying to understand why you feel this way. 

Found HERE
For me, I've always used outlets to try and cope with my anxiety, panic attacks, or depression. I played soccer for many years and now I go to church to try and calm my inner demons. I know that I've gotten A LOT better in the past few years and I've been able to get a better handle on the entire thing, but that doesn't mean that when the house is still, I'm not still struggling. 

First off, depression doesn't always mean suicide. I had a friend who was constantly concerned for me (this was before my padawan came into my life), because she immediately put the stigma that "depression = suicide". While there are people out there who struggle so severely with depression, that the unfortunately see no other way out, that isn't the case for every single person. No we aren't stronger and no they aren't weaker, we are just as different levels. My level of depression is far better than it was years ago and now I can move through the motions, pray, meditate, and refocus my energy on something productive until my hormones calm down and I can feel like myself again. I know I'm lucky in this sense, because many people aren't able to do the same thing. 

For me, my worst time is at night. When my mini me has gone to bed and no one else is around to talk to, I start to think too much and overwhelm myself. It begins with anxiety and slowly trickles into either a panic attack or depression mode. Last night I felt like a failure for not completing absolutely everything that I needed to and constantly putting myself down. PS, it's true when they say "you are your own worst enemy". 

Eventually I went into my bed, wrapped up in a blanket burrito, and drifted off into sleep. This morning my emotions were everywhere. I put on the smile for my son, I pretended that I didn't want to scream and cry at the same time, but when it came time for bed I became exhausted. 

Depression itself is exhausting. Emotions are exhausting. You're constantly going through these roller coaster rides in your head, with a mini hamster pounding in your skull on it's wheel. 

I had something planned today, but as I began writing I realized it was half ass and none of it was worthy for you to read. I know this may not be as enlightening, but it is real. 

I can feel myself getting back to normal slowly, which is why I'm extremely tired, but I do know that I need to get some good rest to make it happen. So now that my padawan is asleep, I've showered, snacked, and gotten my snuggly Star Wars pajamas on, I'm going to go to sleep. I'm going to wrap up in the tightest blanket burrito, close my eyes, and pretend like today was a cancelled day. It didn't happen. 

I'm going to wake up tomorrow, have my coffee, and start over. It's going to be a new day and I'm doing my best to be positive about everything. So before I start rambling or drifting into more exhaustion, I bid you ado and I wish you Jedi's well. 

Goodnight and may the force be with you all. 

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